Things have been a whole lotta crazy..feeling more and more disconnected from the world and people. I can't seems to shake to need to create my own family.

Baby-fever

Yeah, it's in full swing! I want to be a mommy, and not in that "One day I'll have a baby" way but as in I want one within the next 2 1/2 years.

I know it seems crazy to have a timeline, but I want to have a child by the time I'm 30. I don't want to run into the high risks that happen when a women reaches later ages, and I want to be reasonably young with a child.

Anymore it's hard for me to go places where there might be children, I even avoided an event this weekend with my family and friends so that I didn't have to be bombarded by the little ones.

When I see babies and little kids I get this pain in my heart. A little cuddly person who's all mine would be fantastic! I know that I would be a great mother! I've come to understand that being a mom is a rewarding and stressful job that I want. My mother and my Nana are two of the most amazing women and mothers I know, and I'm sure I can be just as great as they are.

I get sad and a little jealous looking at people and couples that I grew up with or went to high school with that have their own little families knowing that I am probably going to have to do it on my own. I really am fine with doing it on my own terms, since that's the way I do most everything, but that means I have to look at alternative ways to conceive. Yes, that mean going to a sperm bank, but I am willing to do that! Hell, I know that there is one in Columbus!

It's hard to explain the feeling, I know I am more ready than ever to be someones mommy. I'm ready for the spotty sleep and burp rags. The dirty diapers, scrapped knees, report cards, tears, first steps, smiles, birthdays, and holidays with a child are something I want more than anything!


Love & Logic~
Belle

Strange days...

It's been a while since I've been able to think of much to write. The thing now is that there is far too much to write about. My mind is constantly full of information for the flower shop, worries about money, the lack of romantic entanglement, and the crazy lack of friends.

Now of course I am making strides in the friendship department. Reconnecting with people from my past and hopefully keeping them as my "adult" friends. One of them is an amazing woman whom I've known and admired for years. We were not terribly close when we were younger, but I think we could be great friends now. She's even convinced me to get a out of my shell, which is pretty huge, and she doesn't even know she did it! Now I, the girl who can't even look my peers in the eye is going to the movies with a group of girls. Some I know, and others I don't. But I am thankful for that. She also adopted my little Bambino, I know that he will have the best home with her amazing family.

As for the romance, well that is still majorly lacking. I did confess to one of the only people I talk to regularly that I have had a crush on him for a some time. This is after years of him flirting and all that jazz. I even suggested we go out . What a mistake! He promptly decided to go out with someone else and they seem very happy. Now, I can't begrudge someone for being happy. But I do miss our friendship now, it seems as though now that I have let him in on what I feel for him and his new found love he has no time. Of course I was hurt for a while and couldn't bring myself to talk to him. I know it was very childish to be that way, but I won't make any excuses for my feelings...they are the only thing I own.

Money? Well that seems to be a problem for not only me but hundreds of thousands of other people. I along with all of those people will no longer be receiving unemployment benefits. I just hate that I was on it this long. But what really gets me is that we are given no warning of when the money will stop. It could be today, it could be 2 weeks from now. And now is the time for me to start getting random bills, one being a bill for a semester of college at Morehead State University. I did finish one year at Morehead but I left one month in to my first semester of my second year due to medical reasons. Now the state of Kentucky is sending me bills, seriously? 8 years later?!?! And for the whole semester? Come on!!

As for Your Personal Florist, I am trying to learn as much as possible. I know almost everything when it comes to the billing and office stuff, but when it comes to the designing I'm a novice at best! I am ready and willing to learn all that there is, but at the same time I don't want to step on the toes of the girl who has worked with my mother for over a year. I know that one day the shop will be mine and I have to learn techniques so that I can be an asset to not only my mother but to myself. I need to make this work so I can feel like I am truly worth something. I'm working on it...

Love & Logic
Belle

Your Personal Florist

So mom bought the flower shop she's been working at for the last 3 years! We have been working our asses off to make the transition from the former name to the new one. We are planning on having that shop makes lots of changes to be more efficient, and if the last 2 weeks are any indication then everything is going to be just fine!

I've got a link to the Facebook page on the sidebar, we are now Your Personal Florist. I've been working on her website for the last 2 days! I'm not getting much done since it's Mother's Day week and every time I go to take a breath the phone rings. But that's all good, we want that!

On another note, my vacation was amazing! I had a great time seeing an old friend. We picked up right where we left off, which is always fantastic! We got to see lots of things and had a great time just hanging out. I can't wait until she moves to Italy so I can visit her there! :)



Love & Logic
Belle

On vacation in Florida! Having a blast seeing an old friend..
love & logic
Belle

Comfortably Numb

So things have become too easy for me. I hate to not have anything to do.

It's so easy to become settled and comfy in my life. I still haven't found a job, I still live with my family, & I haven't put myself out there to even meet people. It's so easy to get in that slump and not think anything of it. I always end up even more cynical than I was before. I was never a glass half-full kind of person, but if I don't put myself out there it is SO much easier to roll my eyes and laugh at everyone else who has someone.

The truth is, I hold onto the past like I might disappear! I hold onto pieces of my former relationships because I am afraid of forgetting how they did make me happy(when that actually happened & I wasn't crying). If I forget those I have loved (1 for sure) then I might forget who I was when I was in love. It's really quiet sad, but it's the truth.

For some reason I am feeling very sensitive today. Perhaps it's because I saw one of my ex's with his wife and it was all I could do NOT to drive through the Wendy's dining room and run them over! When we dated I was under the impression that they were getting a divorce and that it was over. Silly me, I trusted him!!

Such is life though and I know that there has to be someone that will be able to tell the truth to me no matter what. I also for some ungodly reason believe that someone will totally love me one day.

Of course, the baby talk is a constant reminder of how I am failing my family. My dad makes sure to do that on an almost daily basis. I'm half tempted to buy a crackhead's baby so he will leave me alone! I'm kidding of course, unless...Nah, crackbabies have too many medical problems!


Love & Logic
Belle

Just dip me in grease and sell me at KFC!

It's true.

I'm a chicken.

I've desided to skip on the audition I talked about in the last post. I am not nearly ready for something like that. I haven't even had anyone to practice with. It was an impulse to sign up. I now know there is just no way to be ready in time (this Sunday). Now I have to write that loser email saying I'm not doing it. I've got a few other things that are a little more important to worry about, I know that sounds terrible but it's true.

Instead I am going to make homemade Bailey's Irish Cream from the Cupcake Project (www.cupcakeproject.com). It looks yummy and I can't wait to get a batch made up and bottled for a few people. I think it will make a great St. Patty's Day gift! I am a big craft nerd so of course I will be making labels and tags to go on them.

Here's to hoping we have a great weekend!

Love & Logic
Belle

Once upon a time I was an actress. I started when I was in the 7th grade and fell in love!

I never felt more alive or scared while on stage. There is something about playing someone else for a couple hours that is so rewarding. I was a painfully shy child, and still have issues with shyness. So this was very therapeutic for me. I have been in plays, but musicals were where I really felt at peace. I love being on stage, but the auditions scare the living shit out of me!

I actually haven't done a show in a couple years, mostly due to my inability to stay put for too long. What can I say? I like to move!

After speaking to my best friend I set up an audition for a theater company he and I have both worked for. We actually were original cast members in an original play put on by this theater company. For some reason, we are both totally freaked out! I can't remember the last time I was this nervous. Usually I have months to prepare for an audition, but I only have 12 days! So basically I must find a piece of music to sing, and outfit to wear, a new head shot, and I probably should dye my hair. I have a world of things to do an I feel like I've got no time at all!

I am going to need loads of good vibes sent my way for my nerves to settle..

Love & Logic
Belle

Suck it Maryland!

Last time I was talking about how I was somehow not getting my unemployment anymore. Of course this couldn't be considering I hadn't been on it nearly long enough to use all the moneys. I of course tried to get ahold of them for over a week. It was so crazy that an automated system would have a busy signal, but that was the case for 6 days. I finally got ahold of them and now everything is a-ok again!

On to Valentine's Day...

I am not one who celebrates this mockery of a holiday. But seeing as my mother is in the flower business I put in a couple days at the shop. I always have a great time helping on holidays, but this one is no fun. I can only sell so many bunches of roses before I want to vomit due to lack of imagination!
During deliveries I had a gun pulled on me! Yes, a for real gun! It wasn't the gun that scared me as much as the guy holding it. Just imagine a house in the country with at least 2 feet of snow in the driveway. I come pulling up in the shop van with a dozen roses in hand and a man wearing a wife beater with a denim shirt open over it, a ridiculously short pair of man's short shorts and tube socks! Then his herd of cats comes running out behind him, yes a herd, 15 of them in all. To top it off was the gun he was holding as if he was going to use it! Ah, yes it was a great day & thankfully it was the wrong house.

The lesson learned was to never deliver flowers for my mother!

Love & Logic
Belle

So I just signed up for the mobile blog for on the go updates and whatnot. Just seeing if it works! I will post all about Valentine's Day soon.
Love & Logic

Panic Mode!

It appears that the Unemployment Benefits I have very comfortably lived off of for a little bit has either A. run out or B. Maryland is trying to give it to me hard core.

I am, of course am freaking out! It's to be expected when the money runs out and there are no job prospects in sight. I have no idea what I am going to do. There are a couple things I could do to make money while looking for a real job, but none of them could really pay that much unless I became totally enterprising. I have tons of ideas on lots of business ventures, but I don't have the credit or knowledge to get a business off the ground.

* Become a drug dealer (I'm not really keen on this one, mostly because I like to NOT break laws)
*Sell t-shirts & crafts that I have been making and designing (Must master the sewing machine first!)
*Sell all my stuff in storage(not something I would want to do)


The only thing on here that is promising is the shirts & crafts, there is only problem with this and that is that I have no idea where I would sell them or who to!

Considering I am mostly a procrastinator things are going to get interesting. Suggestions???


Love & Logic
Belle

As Queen would say, Under Pressure

It has become ever apparent that my father would like to see me married with children. The thing is he never directly pressures me but uses comments like "That baby's cute. Can't wait until I have some grandbabies."Of course this does nothing but make me feel like I have failed my family in some way!

Yes, I am single at 27 and you were married with one child who was 7 and awaiting the birth of your second.

But I could not have been a parent or wife earlier. Actually it hasn't been until the last couple years that I have even given marriage & children a second thought. I was engaged once before to someone that I knew it wouldn't work with, no matter how hard I told everyone it would. I was far too selfish and unsure of myself to even think about taking care of a husband and children! I was busy travelling and moving all over the midwest & eastern seaboard. I needed to go out and figure out what I wanted out of life. Funny enough, I mostly found out what I would and would not take from a partner.

My mother is a little more relaxed with the comments and slight nudging. She's a florist so weddings are an everyday thing for her. Yes, she would like to see her oldest daughter married and happy, but she knows that marriage isn't going to define me as a person.

Now the worst day of the week is Sunday, the channel WE has bridal shows on all day. I spend my Sundays thinking about what I would like to have and what kind of budget is realistic. Budget is something my sister and I talk about only because our parents will be footing the bill as long as we don't live with someone before we are married. I know it's a tad hard to do and a deal breaker for some, but thus far I have done a great job at keeping that promise!

It's sad to admit all of this, but I know that somehow it will help me in my mission to reaching all of my goals this year. No, that does not mean I am on a husband hunt, but I am not blocking out that possibility of finding someone.

I adore taking care of my family & friends. I know that one day I will make an excellent wife and mother. I am more ready than ever and looking forward to that time in my life. We are a very close family and I have seen what a successful partnership in marriage looks like.

Re-organizing

Thursday started with me cursing the little bit of sun that was peeking through my suburban Ohio windows. I had no desire to get up for the day, there was too much to do an not enough coffee in the world was going to help that.

First thing I had to do was pick up my 19 year-old sister from her classes at the local community college. All I kept thinking the whole 5 minute drive there was that I in no way, shape, or form wanted to run into my ex that just so happens to go there too. I of course had no makeup on, and quite honestly I barely got out of my jammies.

I don't do mornings well at all, especially when I have to cart around my little sister who eats sunshine and craps rainbows!
After picking her up and getting some much needed coffee (hallelujah!) I was feeling a little better. We had some cleaning up to do, mostly because my father has decided to tear out a 12 foot wall that used to separate our kitchen from what was the den. There is dust and plaster everywhere! I am constanly sweeping and mopping trying to cut down on the funk of it all.

Once we were done with that I figured it wouldn't hurt to check on an online dating profile I had posted quite a while ago. Now, I am not one to use an online dating profile I have to pay for, no eHarmony for me! It feels a little too much like being a hooker without the guarantee of sex and no money going into my wallet. So, I gussied up the profile with a new picture and some edits. It was my way of looking for a date & still being a shut-in :)
After getting a random text from someone I've never met calling me a "bitch ass nigga" I figured it was high time to stay away from all electronics for a while.

Somehow in my tiny town I have been spoken about in hushed tones to all of the gay high school boys. I am now officially "The Gay Whisperer". They come to me with all of life's problems from what label they fall under to what Cher song is the best! The only reason I can ever come up with is that I was a theatre major in college with a ton of gay friends and am quite the hag, if I do say so myself! So of course I had to comfort a confused & frustrated young(16years old) out gay man. I'm pretty sure in all of my advice and whatnot I quoted Christina Aguilera's "Beautiful" at least 3 times.
In a ruse to distract him and get to indulge in one of my favorite guilty pleasures I turned on True Blood and all was well in the world again! After 4 hours of vampires running around fighting stupid humans and getting it on, I was feeling all sorts of happy.

Mostly it was a good day. In my attempt to get this year to be a little more organized I purchased my first day planner. Of all the things I vowed to never buy, a day planner was at the top of the list! Now I'm going to be one of those people, always checking a planner and jotting things down. Who knows how this little experiment will go, but here's hoping it helps in all of the goals I am trying to achieve this year!

Love & Logic
Belle

First off...

I should introduce myself. I'm a 27 year-old who has had to move back in with my parents due to the ecomnomy. Hooray!

It's not as bad as it sounds really. I enjoy being with my family, but come on! I've desided to make 2010 a year of things I've never done before. Making a daily blog is part of that. The rest of the list is as follows:

*Go on dates! (I haven't been on a date in like 3 years. boo)
*Give people a chance to change my mind.
*Possibly publish some poems
*Be more outgoing. (yeah, I'm knida a shut-in due to not working)
*Create more art
*Be honest to everyone

By reading and/or subscribing to this you get to be apart of this, maybe I'll even take opinions and advice, along with giving some.

Love & Logic
Belle